Spoiler warning level: RED. This is a friendship-shattering amount of spoilers for movies from the past couple years.
Disclaimer: Following my advice will get you arrested, killed, or make your kids hate you... so don't do it!
With Lovely Molly quickly coming up on the schedule, we’ll see poor Molly housing some seriously nefarious forces. We’ll have to check out the movie to know for sure how she’ll be dealt with, or how she herself will deal with these forces of evil, but if Eduardo Sanchez’s earlier hit Blair Witch Project is any indication, it won’t be pretty.
Let’s take a look at how some films bust some ghosts on a blue collar budget... Without The Ghost Busters multi-million dollar set up, or having to learn sacred pronouciation-sensitive incantations.
10. The Evil Dead - Bodily Dismemberment
|The old fashioned way|
Hatchet, check. Chainsaw, and shotgun? Just how bad have these ghosts pissed you off?
While you might miss your friends after, you’ll ensure that the demons know they aren’t welcome. When there’s no where for the demons to actually go to - except perhaps into you, where you can run in your body around until they are driven away by the morning sunlight.
Budget: Well, most of these ghost busting tools are all available for under 100 bucks or so a S-Mart. You’ll also want to keep this excursion at an isolated area with as few civilians as possible. But in our post CSI society, be prepared to do a lot of time after.
9. Poltergeist - Move
|And leave the damn TV|
If money isn’t a big deal, and the haunting is contained to your house, most diplomatic thing you can do is just move, and sue your real estate agent.
Budget: Where do you want to live?
8. Insidious - Head to Astral Plane for showdown
|Nana thinks you should visit more often!|
But sometimes the spirits follow you - if that’s the case, take a page out Leigh Whannel’s script and fight them on their own turf. How bad ass is that? Of course hiring a team of professionals outfitted to arrange this astral projection might get pricey, unless you can find a groupon. Maybe The Ghost Busters would be cheaper.
Budget: I’m sure if they are pros the first consultation and assessment is free.
7. The Exorcist - Priest body bait and switch
|Reading nautical statistics also helps to mellow them out|
So less bloody than the labor intensive approach of The Evil Dead, and more legally viable, you could always just hire a single exorcist and hope they’ll bite the bullet for you. Rallying the demon into their body, and martyring themselves for the greater good, it might not cost you more than a window.
Budget: Put in some good community service for a discount.
6. The Shining - Get demons for your demons
|Why hello Jack! You're my favorite customer!|
Okay so this didn’t exactly happen in the movie or the book, but boy did Jack ever seem happiest when he was on the sauce. Why not just keep him drinking? If we’re taking a spirit that doesn’t allow the host to defy natural physics, why not just keep feeding them drinks? Be an enabler, and maybe you won’t get hurt! Look at how Jack was to that bartender!
Budget: The mini bar.
5. Beetlejuice - Say my name
There’s a lot of power in names. Sometimes the entity in question will have had movie-plot type boons worked out where you just need to say their name to summon or dismiss them. Just make sure you’re not dealing with Candy Man.
Budget: Asking is free!
4. Ghost - Just do what they want
|I don't think he ever paid her back|
Although this may prove to be a pain in the ass, if all the undead are looking for is revenge on their killer, or an erotic pottery session with their former lover, maybe it’s best to just let them wrap up business and move along peacefully.
Budget: Travel and incidental expenses.
3. Paranormal Activity - Accept your fate
|The ghost free nights of videotaping must have been really tough on their relationship|
Sometimes you’re just fucked. For whatever reason, you’ve pissed off the wrong ghost, and there’s not much you can do but let it slowly strangle you in your sleep. What are you so worried about? At least this proves there’s an afterlife! Just take it as it comes - if there’s no heaven waiting for you, then maybe you can haunt the hell out some of the ghost’s relatives. Pay it forward!
2. The Sixth Sense - Let them know they’re dead
|Another moment missed by Cole Sear to end the movie earlier|
Sometimes ghosts and general cinema going audiences alike tend to miss out on some of the most obvious details. Myself included. Have you told them that they’re dead yet?That might be all that’s needed to bring much needed clarity to their darkness.
Budget: Another free one, but it might come off as an insult to the majority of specters.
1. Child’s Play - Merchandising
Okay so in this case, the possessing entity isn’t going anywhere. No matter how many times you blow up, burn or melt it, the doll that houses this demonic force is ironically rebuilt by the toy company, or resurrected by a friend. But let’s take a closer look at this picture: stalking you - you’ve got a walking, talking psychopathic doll. Don’t tell me there’s no money in that! Just get a nice big plexiglas aquarium for it, and feed it strips of bacon through a slot! Think of the cash you’d make on the youtube hits alone! Just keep the cameras rolling or your head might.
Budget: You make money!
Remember to check out Lovely Molly for perhaps a new way of dealing with evil spirits.
Weds. Sept. 14, 11:59pm, RYERSON
Thurs. Sept. 15, 5:15pm, AMC 2
Sat. Sept. 17, 4:00pm, SCOTIABANK THEATRE 4