Ando Vs. Ando


Spoiler level: Mild (knowledge based on trailer  of Smuggler and the film Battle Royale (not the book or manga, which is supposed to be amazing, but I am scared it will ruin my love for the film) )

Japanese star Masanobu Ando's new movie will be screening tonight (Friday, September 16th, midnight!)  In Smuggler he plays dangerous cargo - as an assassin who is being transported by the main character.  Ando is no stranger to deadly roles, having already been in Takashi Miike's Sukiyaki Western Django, and Fukasaku Kinji's Battle Royale.

In an entirely imagined celebrity death match with himself, I present to you:


Movie:  Battle Royale
That's right.
Character:  Kazuo Kiriyama

Profile:  During the BR act, kids from all over Japan were forced to kill each other, largely against their own will as a way of punishing Japan's out of control youth. However, Kiriyama was so bad ass, that after already improbably surviving a round of the murderously psychotic game, he willingly gave up his hard won freedom and transfered back to a brand new game, just so he could keep smoking people, because it was so much fun.

Weapons of choice:  Moves up from fan, to sub-machine gun  and butterfly knife (skipping over frying pan), to mega phone (so you can hear the death rattles of his victims), to GPS tracking device (no where to hide!)

Weakness:  Explosive collar on throat, tied to game rules. Eyeballs later melt, ruining his chances of appearing in a non time-machine related sequel.

Last Seen:  In the hearts of cosplayers and BR fans everywhere! By the way, this is my most watched favorite movie. I can watch BR back to back to back.

Eyes:  Like staring into the Abyss.

Hair:  Spiky, Peroxide wash, likely used Japanese equivalent of bed head products.

Distinguishing features:  That glazed-over, disconnected look in his eyes that would chill Micheal Myers.

Theme music:  hellsya -- start it at 2:11 if you want to get an instant visual of him walking through writhing bodies and smoldering corpses.

**** VS ****

Movie:  Smuggler

Say that one more time.
Character:  Sebone

Eyes:  Looks pretty pissed off!

Hair: Appears to be more heavily bleached - scalp singingly so!

Weapon of Choice:  Nunchaku! Finally the most badass weapon has returned to the action movie!

Distinguishing Features:  Dark ink spine segments tattooed over his own spine. I hear that it hurts a lot on the bone. Also, that maze of scars tells the violence of a 100 movies!

Fun fact:  His name, "Sebone" - means spine in Japanese.

Weakness:  TBD

Last Seen:  TBD

Profile:  TBD

Theme music:  God, I hope so.

So who's the winner? You guys! As much as I love Kiriyama, Ando looks to have incarnated an entirely new monster in Sebone, cementing his legacy as iconic over the top characters in Japanese genre films.  Here's to hoping someone miraculously awesome will plug my breakdowns into a computer and make a video game of all of this, and also make a solid side-scrolling beat'em up for The Raid. 

Check out Smuggler:

Fri. Sept. 16th 11:59pm, RYERSON
Sat. Sept. 17th 6:45pm, SCOTIABANK THEATRE 4
Sun. Sept. 18th, 12:00pm, SCOTIABANK THEATRE 4

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