|A MM movie about insanity needs an insane game! But this is all I had budget for!|
You: Oh no! I’m in the rush line! Or I got here super early cuz I want great seats...bu-bu-but I’m surrounded by strangers!!! What do I do?!
Booming Voice: Wait!
You: No, I can’t wait and my phone’s dying, but I really wanna get into this movie! Aw gadzooks what am I gonna dooo!?
Booming Voice: Have you tried conversation?
You: Too awkward! But maybe... I need some kind of catalyst!
Booming Voice: And you don't have any good video games?
You: Well actually... (you start digging through your bag)
Booming Voice: Hey! Put that away! No glowy-looking electronic devices in the theatre!
You: But we're not in there yet-
The Booming Voice drones on:
What blows me away every year is how we have an endless supply of blood thirsty maniacs. Not that I’m particularly interested in vegan-thirsty maniacs or wire-haired maniacs or any other kinds of maniacs. But in this finite world of Google Plus vs Facebook, we still see newly textured and uncompromisingly psycho maniacs show up each year at midnight madness, and God bless em. The mass quantity of loonies this year? Those will soon be escaping from their maximum security cells in The Incident.
In another life I would have loved to have been a criminologist. Instead I’m settling for fiction. So to commemorate the incoming lunacy of “The Incident”, let’s reverse create our own fictional psycho... using my highly constrained and unrealistic parameters.
If any of you guys/gals were born before Playstation 2, or have ever played Dungeons and Dragons, you'll see that we’re gonna do this like an old school character sheet. So next time you snap, you will have a pre-made maniac persona ready for a killing spree -- that me or another Midnight Madness fiend can base their own movie off of. Or, maybe we can be more civil and make a game of it... for the lines!
With your tricked-out psycho, you can challenge other people in line for their spot (if you “iron man” it) Or maybe just your friends, because only about 98% of you are reading my articles.
Let’s break this down - I like to use a 6-sided die when I create new voices in my head, so let’s do it that way, and roll up a psycho!
Optional Rule: if your religion, ideology, or coolness factor prevent you from using dice, then just get someone nearby who is totally uninvested in what you’re doing to pick numbers from 1-6. We’ll call this person “Bob” for simplicity.
You will need:
A piece of paper (this next section hand copied (gah!) or printed (phew) on recycled paper only.
A single 6-sided die (I could have made it a 20 sided but I’m trying to be more commercial)
You will not need:
Because it’s too dark to read character sheets in line (unless you put it on your smart phone, or have fire) We’ll keep this simple and just have 3 game play statistics:
They will be: The Voices, Back up Arteries, and Violence... all will start at 3 points!
Now toss some dice (or ask Bob) to decide the following five categories - circle whatever you roll, (or what Bob says) - and follow the instructions to add or subtract points from the relevant category.
So now we will travel through your character’s history to ultimately manifest them!
1. Spent school nights locked in the shed (Voices +1)
2. Forced to recycle oatmeal (Back Up Arteries +1)
3. Had to eat own dog when camping trip went wrong (Voices +2)
4. Fetus originally diagnosed as a tumor (Violence +1)
5. Grandma had tentacles (Back Up Arteries +2)
6. Barbed wire teddy bear (Violence +3)
HIGH SCHOOL HIJINKS
1. Torture Porn stash seized by guidance councilor (Voices -1)
2. Dissected back log of rotted fetal pigs for extra credit (Voices +1)
3. Magnet of Jock fists (Back Up Arteries -1)
4. Self appointed Pastor in own Religion (Voices + 3)
5. Debate Club Initiation gone wrong, involving fire (Back Up Arteries + 2)
6. Voted most boring person in year book (Voices +1, Violence + 1)
1. Published a sprawling novel that no one noticed was a cry for help (Voices +1)
2. Escaped death row on a technicality (Violence -1)
3. Experimental surgery allowed early release from institute of criminally insane (Voices +3)
4. Leads double life as millionaire socialite (suspiciously inherited fortune) (all stats +1)
5. Survived horrific tractor trailer accident... need blood to survive (Back Up Arteries -1, Violence +3)
6. Legally dead (Back Up Arteries + 1)
MOTIVATION (aka Method Hacked-ing)
1. Giggle-y Sleepover parties are TOO LOUD! MAKE THEM STOP! (Voices +2)
2. Get revenge on the former owners of the Telepathic animals at the shelter (Voices +1)
3. Not a people person (Violence + 4, Voices - 3)
4. Ran out of coffee...after a life full of disappointments (Back Up Arteries +1)
5. Didn’t get top picks in TIFF lottery (all stats -2)
6. Midnight Madness made me do it (Violence + 5, Back Up Arteries +2)
CHOICE TOOL OF DISMEMBERMENT
1. Dull rusty razor blade for sentimental purposes (Violence +1)
2. Tooth picks dipped in Tetrodotoxin (Violence +2)
3. Ironic party favors themed after the nearest holiday (Voices +1)
4. Chainsaw dipped in glue then broken glass (Violence +3)
5. Own face dipped in glue then bucket of screws (Voices +2, Violence + 2)
6. Neural pathways carefully soldered directly to brain stem, resulting in super charged electric punches (Back Up Arteries +1, Violence +3)
So add up your stats, and pencil them in below!
Okay, now name your character, and draw them in the box below:
(copy -paste this carefully designed and unofficially sanctioned printable character sheet starting here)
HI, I'M A BLOOD THIRSY MANIAC CALLED:
BACK UP ARTERIES:
(character sheet ends)
Note: Try to draw them really bad ass looking, as this is the first way to intimidate your future opponents! Stick figures are encouraged... but make em detailed!
Okay, so to play, and potentially make a new friend in line, or just to generally embarrass yourself, what’s gonna happen is this - challenge your line mates to a "Battle of the Psychos."
To show you're available for challenge, put your Midnight Madness tickets in your left upper jacket pocket and fold on a 45 degree angle downwards. If you do not have a jacket pocket, simple hold the tickets folded the same way, in your left hand, high above your head. If this makes you uncomfortable, work it into a motion where you are pretending to scratch your face, so it looks a bit more natural.
When the challenge is accepted, you both roll 1 x 6 sided die, and add it to your “VIOLENCE” rating - so for this turn, it will be your attack rating.
Or, ask Bob to please pick another number.
Or! ... Paper rock scissors battle with your opponent. Winner gets +3 to their attack rating. Tie gives the player with a weaker original rating +8 to make things interesting.
If you are both still tied, do-over.
Whoever has a higher one will subtract 1 back up artery from the other player. If a six was rolled, an additional 1 point can be subtracted.
The winning roller must also verbally describe the successful attack for it to be valid - using at least 3 adjectives, or other extraneous details. No attack should ever use the same combination of adjectives, or it is invalid.
Eg: "My resentful serial killer stabs your reluctant axe murderer right in the ear with an ornate tuning fork that bends as he tries to pull it out. There's just a horrible amount of blood, and it will require professional steam cleaners to get out the carpet stains."
At any time, any contestant can expend up to 3 “Voices” points to add to their score to attempt to surpass an attack score discrepancy, simply by delicately whispering in your opponent's ear:
"I use (1-3) amount of voice(s)."
The player who runs out of Back Up Arteries first loses... until the sequel!
The winner gets 3 points to add to their statistics for future battles. (honor system)
Optional rule for hardcore players: The winner gets to pick one of the loser’s credit cards. You can also play for passports, or Pokemon cards.
Also... don’t cheat! It’s less fun. Unless you are playing for credit cards.
Disclaimer: This game is not approved by anyone. Participate at your own risk.
|Sam is that you?|
Continuing my obsession with bad guys... Look out for a probable baker’s dozen of homicidal psychopahts (or likely MORE!) in The Incident.
Mon. Sept. 12th, 11.59pm, RYERSON
Fri. Sept 16th 3:15pm, SCOTIABANK THEATRE 3
Sun Sept 18 9:45pm, SCOTIABANK THEATRE 2