The Vicious Cycle

Watch Responsibly!  Remember if you are in it for the long haul, to get enough sleep, and to stay hydrated, for all of our sakes!   Don't let this happen again!

DAY 1

So things start out well enough, fun to be had from all sides, hygiene is at an all time high.

DAY 2

Holding up okay! Maybe caught an extra movie or two, ain't no thang.

DAY 3

Didn't shower.

DAY 4

Facade starting to crack, but can't stop watching the midnight movies. Balanced breakfast be damned!

DAY 5

Eyes starting to bulge and twitch from not wanting to miss any frames. Lucid viewing replaces REM sleep.

DAY 6

Constant Caffeine shakes like you're having your own personal earth quake. Age five years over night.

DAY 7

Corner turned: Second wind! Now have watched a whole week of midnight madness without any responsible adjustment! Sleep is for babies!

DAY 8

Still enjoying Midnight Madness, but overload has caused your brain to short out. Basic motor functions still intact.

DAY 9

Having neglected your basic human needs, you're forced to attack a fresher audience member for their vital juices.

DAY 10

Out break. Zombies systematically taken down by covert TIFF operatives - as the problem is contained, the final suspicious elements are covered-up with the annual Toronto Zombie Walk.


Remember!  The cycle can be broken by any time by water, sleep, or a nutritious trans-fat free breakfast.

THE INCIDENT Unofficial Create-A-Psycho Line Up Game!

A MM movie about insanity needs an insane game! But this is all I had budget for!

You: Oh no! I’m in the rush line! Or I got here super early cuz I want great seats...bu-bu-but I’m surrounded by strangers!!! What do I do?!

Booming Voice: Wait!

You: No, I can’t wait and my phone’s dying, but I really wanna get into this movie! Aw gadzooks what am I gonna dooo!?

Booming Voice: Have you tried conversation?

You: Too awkward! But maybe... I need some kind of catalyst!

Booming Voice: And you don't have any good video games?

You: Well actually... (you start digging through your bag)

Booming Voice: Hey! Put that away! No glowy-looking electronic devices in the theatre!

You:  But we're not in there yet-

The Booming Voice drones on:

What blows me away every year is how we have an endless supply of blood thirsty maniacs. Not that I’m particularly interested in vegan-thirsty maniacs or wire-haired maniacs or any other kinds of maniacs. But in this finite world of Google Plus vs Facebook, we still see newly textured and uncompromisingly psycho maniacs show up each year at midnight madness, and God bless em. The mass quantity of loonies this year? Those will soon be escaping from their maximum security cells in The Incident.

In another life I would have loved to have been a criminologist. Instead I’m settling for fiction. So to commemorate the incoming lunacy of “The Incident”, let’s reverse create our own fictional psycho... using my highly constrained and unrealistic parameters. 

If any of you guys/gals were born before Playstation 2, or have ever played Dungeons and Dragons, you'll see that we’re gonna do this like an old school character sheet.  So next time you snap, you will have a pre-made maniac persona ready for a killing spree -- that me or another Midnight Madness fiend can base their own movie off of.  Or, maybe we can be more civil and make a game of it... for the lines!  

With your tricked-out psycho, you can challenge other people in line for their spot (if you “iron man” it) Or maybe just your friends, because only about 98% of you are reading my articles.

Let’s break this down - I like to use a 6-sided die when I create new voices in my head, so let’s do it that way, and roll up a psycho!

Optional Rule: if your religion, ideology, or coolness factor prevent you from using dice, then just get someone nearby who is totally uninvested in what you’re doing to pick numbers from 1-6. We’ll call this person “Bob” for simplicity.

You will need:

A piece of paper (this next section hand copied (gah!) or printed (phew) on recycled paper only.

A single 6-sided die (I could have made it a 20 sided but I’m trying to be more commercial)

Pen

Bob (maybe)

You will not need:

Pride

Because it’s too dark to read character sheets in line (unless you put it on your smart phone, or have fire) We’ll keep this simple and just have 3 game play statistics:

They will be: The Voices, Back up Arteries, and Violence... all will start at 3 points! 

Now toss some dice (or ask Bob) to decide the following five categories - circle whatever you roll, (or what Bob says) - and follow the instructions to add or subtract points from the relevant category.

So now we will travel through your character’s history to ultimately manifest them!

CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

1. Spent school nights locked in the shed (Voices +1)

2. Forced to recycle oatmeal (Back Up Arteries +1)

3. Had to eat own dog when camping trip went wrong (Voices +2)

4. Fetus originally diagnosed as a tumor (Violence +1)

5. Grandma had tentacles (Back Up Arteries +2)

6. Barbed wire teddy bear (Violence +3)

HIGH SCHOOL HIJINKS

1. Torture Porn stash seized by guidance councilor (Voices -1)

2. Dissected back log of rotted fetal pigs for extra credit (Voices +1)

3. Magnet of Jock fists (Back Up Arteries -1)

4. Self appointed Pastor in own Religion  (Voices + 3)

5. Debate Club Initiation gone wrong, involving fire (Back Up Arteries + 2)

6. Voted most boring person in year book (Voices +1, Violence + 1)

CONTINUING (MIS)EDUCATION

1. Published a sprawling novel that no one noticed was a cry for help (Voices +1)

2. Escaped death row on a technicality  (Violence -1)

3. Experimental surgery allowed early release from institute of criminally insane (Voices +3)

4. Leads double life as millionaire socialite (suspiciously inherited fortune) (all stats +1)

5. Survived horrific tractor trailer accident... need blood to survive (Back Up Arteries -1, Violence +3)

6. Legally dead (Back Up Arteries + 1)

MOTIVATION (aka Method Hacked-ing)

1. Giggle-y Sleepover parties are TOO LOUD! MAKE THEM STOP! (Voices +2)

2. Get revenge on the former owners of the Telepathic animals at the shelter (Voices +1)

3. Not a people person (Violence + 4, Voices - 3)

4. Ran out of coffee...after a life full of disappointments (Back Up Arteries +1)

5. Didn’t get top picks in TIFF lottery  (all stats -2)

6. Midnight Madness made me do it (Violence + 5, Back Up Arteries +2)

CHOICE TOOL OF DISMEMBERMENT

1. Dull rusty razor blade for sentimental purposes (Violence +1)

2. Tooth picks dipped in Tetrodotoxin (Violence +2)

3. Ironic party favors themed after the nearest holiday (Voices +1)

4. Chainsaw dipped in glue then broken glass (Violence +3)

5. Own face dipped in glue then bucket of screws (Voices +2, Violence + 2)

6. Neural pathways carefully soldered directly to brain stem, resulting in super charged electric punches (Back Up Arteries +1, Violence +3)

So add up your stats, and pencil them in below!

Okay, now name your character, and draw them in the box below:

(copy -paste this carefully designed  and unofficially sanctioned printable character sheet starting here)

HI, I'M A BLOOD THIRSY MANIAC CALLED:

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*                                             *

*                                             *

*                                             *

*                                             *

*                                             *

*                                             *                                           

*****************************

VIOLENCE:

THE VOICES:

BACK UP ARTERIES:

(character sheet ends)

Note: Try to draw them really bad ass looking, as this is the first way to intimidate your future opponents! Stick figures are encouraged... but make em detailed!

Okay, so to play, and potentially make a new friend in line, or just to generally embarrass yourself,  what’s gonna happen is this - challenge your line mates to a "Battle of the Psychos."

To show you're available for challenge, put your Midnight Madness tickets in your left upper jacket pocket and fold on a 45 degree angle downwards. If you do not have a jacket pocket, simple hold the tickets folded the same way, in your left hand, high above your head. If this makes you uncomfortable, work it into a motion where you are pretending to scratch your face, so it looks a bit more natural.

When the challenge is accepted, you both roll 1 x 6 sided die, and add it to your “VIOLENCE” rating - so for this turn, it will be your attack rating. 

Or, ask Bob to please pick another number.

Or! ... Paper rock scissors battle with your opponent. Winner gets +3 to their attack rating. Tie gives the player with a weaker original rating +8 to make things interesting. 

If you are both still tied, do-over.

Whoever has a higher one will subtract 1 back up artery from the other player. If a six was rolled, an additional 1 point can be subtracted.

The winning roller must also verbally describe the successful attack for it to be valid - using at least 3 adjectives, or other extraneous details. No attack should ever use the same combination of adjectives, or it is invalid.

Eg:  "My resentful serial killer stabs your reluctant axe murderer right in the ear with an ornate tuning fork that bends as he tries to pull it out. There's just a horrible amount of blood, and it will require professional steam cleaners to get out the carpet stains."

At any time, any contestant can expend up to 3 “Voices” points to add to their score to attempt to surpass an attack score discrepancy, simply by delicately whispering in your opponent's ear: 

"I use (1-3) amount of voice(s)." 

The player who runs out of Back Up Arteries first loses... until the sequel!

The winner gets 3 points to add to their statistics for future battles. (honor system)

Optional rule for hardcore players: The winner gets to pick one of the loser’s credit cards. You can also play for passports, or Pokemon cards.

Also... don’t cheat!  It’s less fun. Unless you are playing for credit cards.

Disclaimer: This game is not approved by anyone. Participate at your own risk.

Sam is that you? 

Continuing my obsession with bad guys... Look out for a probable baker’s dozen of homicidal psychopahts (or likely MORE!) in The Incident.

THE INCIDENT

Mon. Sept. 12th, 11.59pm, RYERSON  

Fri. Sept 16th 3:15pm, SCOTIABANK THEATRE 3

Sun Sept 18 9:45pm, SCOTIABANK THEATRE 2

MovieMayor Bans Midnight Screenings!

My fellow nite-owls:

As Midnight Madness Blog Editor, it really pains me to do this, but I must share the news that Bert Xanadu, mayor of Toronto and owner/operator of the Imperial Six cinema, has enacted the seldom-used civic order 3.2.1.1, calling for an immediate ban on all midnight screenings in Toronto the Good.

Although I've disagreed with Xanadu's policies in the past (cutting sidecars from all Toronto Police motorcycles?), I dare say this monopolistic, vitalis-soaked Rosedale dweller has finally gone too far.

Here's the official press release, received earlier this morning. Throw 140 characters of vitriol his way on Twitter (@moviemayor). We're gonna fight this, okay folks?

"Gentlemen, ladies and miscreants,

Along with police car convertibles, more flattering lighting in subway stations, and the introduction of an annual 'unlimited u-turns day' on city streets, my re-election campaign promises include a ban on midnight movie screenings, effective immediately.

Why? Aside from fostering unnatural public intercourse at a time of day when the culturally immature should be solitary, such screenings will only fatten the burgeoning coffers of the turgid projectionists' union, which is directly controlled by elements of several interwoven Andorran crime syndicates.

But perhaps most importantly, from a showman's perspective, night owl unspoolings are a bust! No one lines up at midnight to see Fred McMurray or Agnes Moorehead, come on!! The ne'er-do-well Geddes Amusement Corporation cinema chain (well, if you can call three converted pissoirs in Toledo, Wingham and the Azores a 'cinema chain'...) tried a ''midnight-only" exhibition policy for six months and went completely bust, its ushers left to fend for themselves as farmhands.

Convinced?

However, commencing tomorrow, I will offer free admission to theatres 5 and 6 of the Imperial Six for the following films:

#1 CALL HIM MR. SHATTER (Theatre 5 - runs 10:12 am until 10:59 pm curfew)

I’m not too shy to say I wrote the poster cutline for this grabbing actioner! “Mr. Shatter isn't crushproof, but cross him and he'll put you in a box!” I especially liked its Turkish release title PROFESYONEL KATIL – I think you can guess what ‘KATIL’ means!!! Although he looks bored on the poster, you can bet that Mr. Stuart Whitman brought all of his animal charms and innate acting skills to the scenes not involving karate, kung fu, Thai boxing and taekwondo. What else could you expect from an actor with such credits as TV’s LOVE AMERICAN STYLE and WALT DISNEY’S WONDERFUL WORLD OF COLOUR!?

#2 THE CHINESE CONNECTION (Theatre 6 - runs 12:34 pm until 10:59 pm curfew)

I’m not a violent man. But when a vile and opportunistic charlatan opens a rival usher school across the street from mine in Shanghai, well, the fuse is lit, monsieur! I wiped the decks with that scoundrel and his flea-bitten students, using my own patented ‘splice fist’ technique. Lo and behold, years later, gentleman warrior Mr. Bruce Lee buys the rights to my story, adapts it to his own milieu and talents and voila! THE CHINESE CONNECTION is drop-kicked onto screens (it was originally known as FIST OF FURY, but I’d already paid to have the CONNECTION lobby cards printed, as an homage to my buddy Roy Scheider).

Signed,

Mayor Bert Xanadu

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Don't give in to this old-timey bait & switch. Besides, the Imperial doesn't have a beach ball and the Ryerson's much cozier. We'll see you all tomorrow at midnight!

You can purchase tickets from the official TIFF website.